Cracktacular Klaroline
by venomandchampagne
Summary: A collection of my Klaroline crack drabbles from my tumblr (klarolinesbuttons). Don't worry, they are always very pro Klaroline, but also very pro snark. ;)
1. The Visit

**This is complete and utter crack, the idea for which came from chatting with goodinthewoods about why Klaus went to MF and how it lines up with TO. This is all under the assumption that he went there to get Esther's coffin at some point during the TO episode, cause that is the only hint they gave for their leaving on TO.**

**Since FFN is lame, pretend the underline text is actually strike-through.**

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Klaus huffed and puffed as he dragged the large coffin behind him through the forest, catching on rocks and banging into trees. Good thing he didn't care about the state of the passenger inside.

He needed to get back to NOLA ASAP, he only had one commercial break a few hours to cross 950 miles, and he had already wasted too much time emblazoning his mother's coffin with the tacky Mikaelson crest they had apparently just started using always used but forgot to put on her coffin before.

As he made his way through the woods he suddenly spotted a familiar head of blonde hair. What was Camille doing in Virginia? No, that wasn't right, this person's hair was curly and much prettier, and their was no air of know-it-all-ness about her. Suddenly a memory came rushing back to him, then more and more. It was like he had completely forgotten the last two years of his life over the past few months and returning to Mystic Falls had suddenly cured his amnesia.

It was Caroline.

Trying to be discreet, he loved a good surprise, Klaus snuck up behind her, the coffin clunking loudly behind him. Caroline slowly turned around as he reached her, surprise clear on her face.

"Hello, Caroline," he said, finally remembering how he had promised to be her last love, and how he had never cared for anyone since he had been turned into a vampire before her and how ridiculous it was that he would ever dream of quickly finding someone right after leaving her.

"Klaus," she breathed, shocked to see him standing before her. "What are you doing here? And what the hell is that?" she asked, eyeing the coffin behind him.

"Oh, that's just Esther, I needed her body for something down in New Orleans," Klaus answered matter-of-factly.

"What?" Caroline asked incredulously, looking at him as if he had two heads.

"Yes, you see, I've run into some trouble with the witches and-" Klaus frowned. "The witches need-" he tried again, but found himself unable to finish a sentence. Something was keeping him from telling her what was happening in New Orleans.

Caroline now looked at him as if he were nuts. "Uhm, what?"

Klaus cleared his throat and tried one last time, "There's a magic prob-" but he was still unable to get the words out. Sighing, Klaus dropped the coffin unceremoniously to the ground. "Nevermind, sweetheart. What have you been up to? What brings you out to the middle of the woods?"

Caroline narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, eyeing him warily before she answered him. "I just needed to get away for a while. Too much drama," she sighed.

Klaus chuckled, he knew that all too well. Back in NOLA… Wait, what _was_ going on back there? Everything seemed fuzzy now. All he knew was he was supposed to bring the coffin there for some reason. Things became less clear the longer he stood there. _Perhaps the forest is enchanted_, he thought.

"I'm sure you and your friends will figure something out before you find yourselves in another mess, as you always do," he said smirking.

Caroline snorted but didn't deny it.

"Well love, I do need to be going, I wasn't planning on making this a long trip and I'm needed… elsewhere," he said, trailing off, clearly puzzled.

Caroline continued to look at him as curiously as ever, not sure what was going on with him. "Are you, are you sure you're okay Klaus?" she asked cautiously, taking a step closer towards him.

"Of course, I just have a lot going on. I think. I mean, I don't remember…" he tried, the fogginess of his mind making it hard to concentrate. "Everything is just so… strange. I can't think straight," he finished as his lip started to quiver. It was all so overwhelming suddenly! Klaus' eyes began to water as he struggled to remember what was going on in his life, but the harder he tried to remember, the further away the memories seemed to slip.

Caroline's eyes widened in horror as a tear slipped down the immortal hybrid's face. Was he _crying_?! "Oh my god," she whispered in pure and utter shock. What the hell was wrong with him? "Klaus are you, like, sick or something?"

Klaus sniffed and looked up at her, his eyes red, and not from hunger. "No, I just… Everything is so hard, Caroline, I don't even know what's going on any more!" he cried, starting to weep.

The blonde instinctively walked up to Klaus and slowly pulled him into a hug, awkwardly patting him on the back. "Uh, there there, it will be okay," she tried, wide eyed and utterly unsure of what was going on. She didn't even know why she was hugging him, but seeing Klaus crying just seemed so out of character wrong, she had to stop it. She would try just about anything to make him stop acting like a baby.

Unfortunately, Klaus continued to cry, leaning his head down against her shoulder. His body wracked with sobs as he leaned into her. Caroline could see no end to his odd tears as she stood there in the middle of the woods, holding the thousand year old hybrid. She would have to do something drastic to get him to stop. She racked her brain for ideas as she rubbed soothing circles on his back, trying to ignore the snot that dripped down her shirt.

One idea in particular kept coming to mind, but she continued to push it back. It was a terrible idea, he would never let her hear the end of it. Yet as the minutes ticked on and her shoulder got colder from the combination of the breeze and damp fabric the idea began to seem less out there and more like her only option. She ignored the voice in her head that said she would enjoy it anyway, and decided to just go for it.

Caroline struggled to pull back for a moment, Klaus's arms clutching her in an iron grip, like a child would to their mother after scraping their knees. Finally she managed to detach herself from him enough so she could pull her head a few inches away from his.

"Klaus," she said gently, trying to catch his eye. "I need you to snap out of it," she said firmly, her mouth set in a firm line as she gathered her determination.

Klaus sniffed as he barely opened his eyes to look at her. "But…" he said, his lips trembling.

Caroline sighed. There was obviously no other options left at this point, she would have to snap him out of it. Violence was not an option, he was acting so oddly, almost as if he wasn't even canon Klaus anymore, she had no idea how he would react. That left only one thing.

She steeled herself and slowly leaned in, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach. She closed her eyes as she pressed her lips to his own, allowing herself a moment to enjoy the feeling. She pulled back when the taste of salt became too strong, invading her still closed mouth. She looked up at him hesitantly, hoping that she had finally broken through to him.

Klaus' eyes were wide as he looked at her. To say he was surprised was an understatement. He had barely been able to enjoy the kiss, so consumed with… whatever it was he had been feeling that made a grown man/hybrid cry like a baby.

Caroline smiled gently at him as the tears stopped flowing. "Good, see? All better. Now, maybe you should head back to New Orleans or whatever and uh, do whatever it is you need to do," she said in a slightly patronizing voice.

Klaus dumbly nodded as he obediently bent down to pick up the coffin and heft it onto his back. He watched her slowly back away and give him a small, confused smile before she flashed off into the woods, leaving him alone.

Klaus moved off himself, picking up speed as he went. As he crossed the town line the fog lifted from his mind. He suddenly remembered why he had to bring Esther's body to NOLA even if it still didn't make any sense. He also remembered everything else that was going on in that terrible city and he felt the tears prick at his eyes once more.

He shook his head in refusal as he pushed himself to move faster. No, he couldn't cry again, she didn't like it when he cried. Wait, 'she' who? Klaus tried to remember who, but again his thoughts were foggy. He couldn't remember what had happened in Mystic Falls. No matter, he had important things to do in New Orleans. Nothing in Mystic Falls could be as important as his kingdom. Perhaps he needed professional help with this memory business? He would have to ask that psychologist about it once this witch business was taken care of, surely she could help him. After all, she was so good at throwing psych 101 terms at him understanding him.


	2. Klaus vs Joseph

**A Klaroline Vision Wednesday prompt from queenblairstiara on my tumblr (klarolinesbuttons) just after that interview Joseph gave about Klaroline being over- Klaus corners Joseph Morgan in NOLA and punishes him for talking smack about Klaroline being just a casual fling.**

**Because let's be honest, we all wish this would happen.**

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Joseph awoke to find himself chained to a bed in an unfamiliar room, his head aching; the last thing he could remember was sitting outside a coffee shop in NOLA on his day off, and then everything had gone black. He desperately looked around the room, hoping it was some kind of joke of Daniel's, but much to his horror found himself looking into the face of, well, himself.

"What- who are you?!" he rasped, wincing as he jostled his head in his attempt to get away from his… doppelganger?

The other-him chuckled darkly, a familiar smirk present on his face, but not one that belonged to Joseph, no, that look belonged to- "You can call me Klaus," he said smoothly, his voice deceptively calm as he stood from the chair next to the bed. "And we're going to have a little chat, _Joseph,"_ his voice sending shivers down the human's spine.

"What kind of joke is this?" Joseph spat, his mind racing as he tried to think of how he would be able to get out of this situation and away from this clearly insane person.

"Oh I can assure you this is no joke," Klaus said, his voice taking on a sharp edge, "just like that interview you did was no joke," he growled, stalking over to the bed, hovering over Joseph.

"What, an interview, what are you going on about? You're crazy!" he cried, pulling at his restraints again, quite futilely.

"Only crazy about Caroline!" Klaus growled, and Joseph gasped as the man's eyes turned golden, a double set of fangs protruding from his mouth.

"What the bloody hell is going on?!" the human cried, trying to shift as far away from the… creature before him as the chains would allow.

Klaus' eyes returned to normal as he pulled back slightly, the smirk back on his face. "What's going on is we're going to have a little chat about how you're going to pull your head out of your ass, you and your compatriot Julie Plague or some such, and make this thing you call 'Klaroline' happen. _Now." _he said, the threat clear in his voice. "Because I've grown quite tired of waiting, and, as you well know, I am not a very patient man. And it's best for everyone involved if you give me what I want."

Joseph could only lay there and stare up at… _Klaus._ He had no idea how this was happening, how this was even possible, but clearly something was going on that was beyond his comprehension, and he should probably play along; for now.

"Now that we have that settled," the… hybrid? said, "let's discuss how you believe that 'Klaroline' should end and how I'm going to change your mind."

And as the man with his face moved in again, his eyes flashing yellow once more, Joseph knew two things for certain: one, this was not going to be pleasant, and two, Klaroline was going to happen, regardless of what he thought.


	3. Klaus vs Klaroliners

**A Klaroline Vision Wednesday prompt from escaily on my tumblr (klarolinesbuttons)- Klaus has a supernatural-esque experience in which he ends up in the real world and meets the (currently angry) Klaroline fandom  
**

**I like to think this is what would happen if TO Klaus happened to appear in our world, and what would happen to him if the fandom found him.**

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The world began to fade and blur, becoming just a swirl of colors around him as the chanting of the witches grew fainter, until there was only black for a long time, how long Klaus couldn't tell, then suddenly the bright light was blinding him. He threw his hands up before his eyes, realizing that he was no longer chained down, and he sat up, finding himself in a large room, hundreds of chairs facing a stage where a long table sat, microphones and bottles of water situated in front of each seat at the table.

Klaus continued to look quizzically around the room, wondering how he had ended up here after last being chained down in a graveyard by those damned witches in New Orleans, when suddenly a group of girls entered the room, talking animatedly together. They stopped short when they noticed him, going silent and staring at him wide-eyed, until a few of them began shrieking and the group ran towards him.

The hybrid backed up until he hit the stage, warily watching the females as they formed a semi circle around him, clasping their hands in excitement and giggling.

"Oh my god, Joseph! We didn't think you'd be here before the panel!"

"This is so exciting!"

"Can you sign my dvds?"

"Can I have a hug? Please!"

Klaus narrowed his eyes, what was going on, who was Joseph and why did all these young women desire to be in his company? "I think you have me confused with someone else, loves," he tried, attempting to move away slowly.

The group only moved in closer at his words, some squealing in delight, some blushing and murmuring about being called 'love.'

When the barrage of questions continued, Klaus began to lose his patience, his temper getting the best of him. "I don't know who you ladies think I am, but I really can't help you," he ground out.

The last straw was when one of the girls tried to reach out and grab him for a hug, and Klaus couldn't have that, so before he could stop himself he had jerked back, growling as his eyes flashed yellow, causing the group to gasp and take a step back.

For a moment, at least.

Much to his shock, the atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. If Klaus had still been a human he would have been afraid. The group's attitude shifted into one of hostility, narrowed eyes and crossed arms now surrounded him.

"He's not Joseph," one of them spat, "he's _Klaus."_

In all his years the hybrid had never heard his name spoken with such disdain, and that was saying something. Suddenly, they all began speaking, actually shouting was more accurate, at him at once.

"How could you do that to Caroline?!"

"What's _wrong_ with you?!"

"Whatever happened to 'however long it takes'?"

"How the hell can you be interested in Caroline 2.0, aka Camille when you could have the real thing?"

"After your magical sperm did its thing, was another consequence of becoming a hybrid losing your balls?"

"How can you just forget about the epicness of Klaroline?"

"Does everyone in New Orleans suffer from amnesia?"

Klaus found himself at a lose for words. Who were these women? How did they know so much about his life? The mentions of Caroline tugged at his undead heart, but he had to push those feelings aside, like usual. "Listen, I don't know how you know these things, but-"

"Oh no, you're not talking your way out of this, dude."

"Yeah, not when we have you right where we want you."

He wasn't sure how it happened, but for the second him that day Klaus found himself tied down, this time to a chair. His restraints were ones he could easily break through this time, being mere electrical chords the now-mob had found around the room, but he chose to stay put until he knew what they were on about. Better to know what was going on before acting.

"Do you have it queued up yet?"

"Yup, all set!"

"Alright _Klaus,"_ his name dripping with disdain from the girl's lips, "we're going to show you a bit of a… Klaroline compilation, if you will. Won't take more than a few hours. And hopefully you'll have regained your senses by the time we're finished. Hopefully for your sake that is."

Klaus wasn't sure what he had expected, but it was certainly not this. He spent the next four hours watching video after video of him and Caroline in different situations, most accompanied by music. Some he remembered, the ball, feeding her his blood, an uncomfortably large amount of scenes from that time in the woods, and some he did not, those were "AUs" as the women called them, things that they wished would happen between them.

Klaus had experienced many forms of torture in his life, but everything else paled in comparison to this. He was openly weeping by the time they were through, crying her name and asking for forgiveness.

"Well, have you had enough?"

"What are you going to do when you go back home?"

Klaus looked up at them with teary eyes. "I'm going to find Caroline and do whatever it takes to be with her, everyone else be damned. I swear it!" he cried, truly meaning it, his purpose clear.

As he said the words the girls began to cheer and hug each other, and Klaus' world began to twist and fade once more, until the blackness gave way to the familiar cemetery.

Ripping off the chains, Klaus pulled himself up and flashed off, headed east, and he did not stop until the familiar Welcome to Mystic Falls sign came into view, silently thanking those strange girls for setting him back on the right path.

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**Send me any crack!prompts you may have in a PM or on tumblr!**


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